Saturday, December 31, 2011

Best I Can - 2011 One of the Toughest Years in my Life

Blitz the Ambassador • Best I Can ft. Corneille from MVMT on Vimeo.

In order to write this very personal yet cleansing blog post, I enlisted the help of two aids; a bottle of prosecco and my favorite track from Blitz the Ambassador’s Native Son project called Best I Can; the former served as liquid courage while the latter served as my inspiration.

Some of the lessons I’ve learned from 2011:
  • Don’t give away my gifts.  They were given to me by God and are therefore, incredibly valuable.
  • My heart is actually wiser than my mind.
  • My words impact those who love me and yet have no significant impact on those who don’t.
  • Pay more attention to myself and those dear to me…in that order.  “Selfish” is not a bad word, and if it is I’ll be cussing like a mofo!
  • I agree with the adage that women don’t know what they want.  But I know what I need and that’s good enough for me…and God.
  • I’m a flake.  I will not commit to helping anyone with their “projects” because quite frankly, these projects will not keep me engaged or interested if there’s nothing “in it” for me altruistically or intrinsically (see “Don’t give away my gifts” above).
  • I will try to never judge others for not knowing how to make difficult decisions.  Life ain’t easy.
  • The truth shall indeed set you free.
  • I will honor those that came before me with all of my heart and soul because their DNA and spirits live within and with me.  They are owed my life-long gratitude and love for their guidance.
  • I MUST be the best I can.  It is essential.

2011… by far one of the toughest years of my life…

2010 ended extremely well.  The horizon was clear and I felt characteristically optimistic about what I had in store for me in 2011. I was eating well as some of my readers and friends know.  I found the most successful formula (for me anyway) for well-being – beans, greens, and whole grains…no meat.  I looked and felt amazing! Earlier in June of 2010, I was fired from a job I absolutely hated and only a few people congratulated me (thanks Kemba and Alex!).  I couldn’t understand why no one else felt happy for me and I spent a year being the most un-productive person in America, wasting the remainder of 2010 with a cocky attitude claiming that the Universe was on my side.  In the meantime, I was on unemployment netting $400 a week with a crazy huge mortgage and a kid headed to college in the summer.  I lived a fearless yet stupid life in ignorant bliss. 

My true friends were always looking out for me though.  In November of 2010, I was finally referred to a job where I had previously worked for many years (Thanks Tatia!).  You couldn’t tell me the Gods weren’t on my side!  I was making some serious loot!  Just like the olden days of my early 30s when I was rolling in the dough, I was a productive human being again.  Then, what my Godmother (hey Iya Koko!) described as a “Bonfire of the Vanities” moment (read the book…don’t see the movie), I was ousted out of that gig faster than I could say “you fuckin’ bastards!”

I entered 2011 like a queen but before I could really get going, I became the pauper again.  Did I start looking for work?? Nah!  Instead, I started sniffing around for distractions of the male persuasion; anything to keep me from focusing on my money problems.  I was back to holding my hand out for the $400 a week “entitlement”, and pretending that I could keep that going indefinitely. 

April approached and all/more hell broke loose.  I was cruelly dismissed by possibly the most evil self-insufficient man on earth (is this the prosecco talking?), BUT what was so remarkable about my reaction to how he treated me was that I felt grateful to him.  I mean this was a dude I was obsessed with for years and with all the varied type of dirt he dished out to me over those years, to think all he had to do was tell me how he really felt, and POOF! I was cured.  The truth can surely set you free. THANKS TRUTH!

And once I was lost, I was suddenly found.  Later on in this same month, renowned and attributed for the blooming of nature's bounty, I fell in love.

The full color, full blown account of this specific chapter of my life deserves more than a blog entry and so I won’t…I can’t elaborate here.  What I will say is that the summer of 2011 was the most loving yet heartbreaking time in my life and this is coming from a woman who lost both her beautiful and loving parents before the age of 25 so I hope you can all understand the significance of that statement.  So to keep it short yet poignant, and because he will most certainly read this post, here’s the respectably quick re-cap…

A man who I had known for over 30 years was diagnosed with terminal cancer in April.  In a nutshell, he was a mess and rightly so.  Somewhere along the way, in between trips to see him (in another state) and our long daily phone calls, we fell in love.  And somewhere along the way, he broke my heart.  

It may have taken you, what 10 seconds tops to read this segment?  Believe me when I tell you, it took me an hour to write it.  It’s that “truth will set you free” thing again along with the “words impacting those who love me” thing.  This point in particular warrants repeating…

He broke my fuckin’ heart!

I took care of him to the detriment of my health and wealth and although he was grateful for my care and although he used the word love, he couldn’t…or wouldn’t acknowledge this “love” to anyone outside the two of us, and because of this (plus a shitload of other deep stuff), I had to save myself and walk away.  As it turns out, it was shortly after I made this move, that he recovered.  So how does one interpret this?  He thinks I saved his life…while I sit here thinking it’s probably best that I stay away…for good. 

As time passes and he and I continue to chat here and there via telephone, the bad memories start to wane, but my heart won’t let me forget. That’s huge!  My heart is usually the one that gets me into trouble, but apparently there are still fissures present; unwilling to heal.  THANK YOU HEART!

And while my heart continues to protect and guide me, so do God and my spirit guides.  Even before the big change in my spiritual path, I was led and saved from what could have been the most disastrous and dangerous circumstances ever imagined.  I have had close calls with death and danger all throughout my life.  Some call it “God’s grace”…OK. But I also attribute it to the “voices in my head” (as the lyrics of Best I Can convey); the whisper that said “ok that’s enough gurl.  Put that down.  You’ve had enough.  Time to get some fresh air” or “He may seem cool and everything, but don’t leave with him just yet” or “Don’t say what you’re thinking of saying to this person.  They’re not stable”.

As I begin to develop, I have become more cognizant of one significant message that stands out more than all others: “Know, Love, and Be Yourself”.  This year more than any has helped me to figure out exactly that…who I am. 

  • I am that woman who listens closely to the whispers for their message.
  • I am that woman who says “that’s just not going to work for me” (thanks Oprah!) instead of saying “No”
  • I am that woman who isn’t going to put “you” and your projects ahead of me and my shit.
  • I am that woman who’s not afraid of the divine path and outcome.
  • I am that woman who is not out to please.
  • I am that woman who hasn’t given up on love.
I’ve often spoken and written about intention.  Thankfully, the power of intention has removed most of the negative energy (and people) from my life and what remains are the people I like and love, and the choices that aren’t easy BUT are easier to make.    

Although 2011 was a tough one, in the end, I have received much; new insights, new job (thanks George!), new family dynamics (Thanks Nyla and Jamila!), and once again a new and refreshed positive outlook for the upcoming year.

Thanks for reading and receiving.  Peace Y’all!